Friday, 11 April 2014

Ugh. (Part One)

It's that time of year again.

So here come the NHL playoffs, and the popular topic is only one (ONE! UN!) Canadian based team has made the playoffs. Now columnists are busy typing away about "why can't Canadian teams all make the playoffs at once" and "What's wrong with our teams". Only one option: HOLD A SUMMIT.

But come on, is this really a worry for anyone who isn't paid to write cliches in the newspaper every day and be a smug dingus to people and ignore proof you're wrong?

So yes, now it's time to find out "Who is CANADA'S TEAM".

Obviously it's the Montreal Canadiens right? I mean it's right in their name (spelled wrong, but we'll forgive them), and they're the only team based in Canada left, unless you're an immature Sens Fan.

Besides, it's ours, Canada is Lord Stanley's home anyway right?**

So let's dive into the playoffs and find out just we as a nation should cheer for. We'll look at the important things that help a team succeed at hockey:

Are they in Canada?
What's the average temperature?
Does it snow there?
Are there Maple trees?
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby?
Roster Breakdown (% Canadian must be over 50)
General Manager?
Starting Goaltender?
Most Points?
Is their sweater Canadian enough?

Let's get one with it then.

#16 - Phoenix Arizona Coyotes

Are they in Canada? They are Glendale, Arizona, USA, which is not in Canada. It is 2,200km from the Centre of the Hockey Universe. -1

Average Temperature Oct-April: High: 24.3 Low: 11.6. These are not hockey temperatures. -1

Does it snow? In Phoenix/Glendale area, the average is 0cm, however some places in northern Arizona see up to an average of 2.5 meters. Yay snow! +1

Are there Maple Trees? Yes. Acer grandidentatum is a member of the Maple Tree family. +1

Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? No. They are barren of boston creams, tearful for timbits, longing for longjohns (though we all are really) -1

Roster Breakdown: 14 Canadians, 5 USAers, 4 Czechs, 1 Finn, 1 Swede, 1 German, 1 Dane - 51.9%

Leaders? Captain: Shane Doan, Canadian (2Gold, 3Silver medals while representing his country),
Alternates: Keith Yandle, USAer & Martin Hanzal, Czech. Huh, no medals for the non-Canadians. Odd. (+1-1-1= -1)

Coach? Dave Tippett, former member of the Canadian National Team, played for Team Canada at 1984 Olympics +1

General Manager? Don Maloney, born in Lindsay Ontario. Won GM of the Year in 2010. +1

Owner? IceArizona Acquisition Co., LLC - A Canadian group of owners. +1

Starting Goaltender? Mike Smith, somehow became a member of the Gold medal winning 2014 Canadian Olympic team. +1

Most Points? Keith Yandle, USAer - 8G 45A -1

Is their sweater Canadian enough?
Well, it's Maroon, sand, and white. Maroon is almost red but it isn't. It's nice and simple though, not too fancy, like their last attempt at a sweater. Change that Maroon to Red and swap the coyote for a wolf and we'll be onto something. .5 points for almost getting the colours right.

Total Score: 1.5

Just over half the roster is Canadian, Captain & starting goalie are Canadian. Coach & GM are from the frozen north. No snow in Glendale but now they're the Arizona Coyotes and it does snow in Arizona. But no Timmies? Sad. Ownership is Canadian, but they're traitors for not immediately moving the team to Quebec City or Hamilton or Saskatoon so they lose that point they got.

New total Score: 0.5

Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Putting cactus syrup on your pancakes.
Not as delicious as it sounds

#16: Dallas Stars

Are they in Canada? No, Dallas, Texas is in the United States of America. They are 1,400 km from the Centre of the Hockey Universe. -1

What's the average temperature? High: 19.3 Low: 8.3 -1

Does it snow there? Dallas, TX has an annual average of 3.8 CM of snow. This does not count as having snow. -1

Are there Maple trees? No. -1

Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? No. You have to travel to Kentucky or San Jose, according to this sketchy third party app. -1

Roster Breakdown 16 Canadians, 3 USAers, 2 Russians (looks like the Wolverines let their guard down), 1 Frenchman (a real one, not a Quebecer),1 Swede, 1 Finn. 66.7% Canadian

Captains? Captain: Jamie Benn, Canadian (2G) Alternates: Shawn Horcoff, Canadian (2G, 1s) & Ray Whitney, Canadian - Everything is bigger in Texas, even Canadian Leadership. +3

Coach? Lindy Ruff, born in Saskatchewan, coached mostly in Buffalo, which is like living in the alley behind Canada. +1

General Manager? Jim Nill, Canadian. Played for Team Canada at the 1980 olympics. +1

Owner? Tom Gaglardi, Canadian. +1 Though, again, he didn't move a team out of the South and put it in Canada? Shame. SHAME! -1

Starting Goaltender? Kari Lehtonen, Finnish -1

Most Points? Tyler Seguin. 36G, 47A. Canadian Troublemaker, Locker Room Cancer +1

Is their sweater Canadian enough?
An improvement over their last choice, but not very Canadian at all. Yes, we have lots of trees up here, as represented by the green in their sweater, but no, this isn't enough. - 0

Total Score: 0

Dallas, Dallas, Dallas. You've been around much longer than the Coyotes, but you still score lower? That's a bad team, bad! Not even your 100% faith in Canadians could help you score higher. Yes, it's also nice you have more Canadians on the roster, even 2/3 of your team hails from the Maple Majesty, but alas, it wasn't enough. Buy a snow machine, go skiing, then talk to us.

Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: eating at Taco Bell where the meat is made of bald eagles.
Tastes like Freedom.  And Feathers.

#15 Detroit Redwings

Are they in Canada? Almost, you could throw a rock and hit Canada from Detroit (okay, not throw but certainly use a catapult acorss the river). We can't throw one back because then one of their buildings would collapse. +1

What's the average temperature? High: 7.4, Low: -8 - that's what I'm talking about. +1

Does it snow there? Average snowfall: 1.08 meters. Wait, how do you have less than Arizona, Detroit? You lose a point for that. -1

Are there Maple trees?  We Canadians planted a few when we captured Fort Detroit in the war of 1812. +1

Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? Yes, having the wonderful city of Windsor as a neighbor finally pays off.. +1

Roster Breakdown 9 Swedes, 7 Canadians, 7 USAers, 2 Czechs, 2 Slovakians, 1 Russian. 25% Canadian. No wonder they barely made the playoffs.

Captains? Captain: Henrik Zetterberg, Swede. Alternates: Pavel Datsyuk, Russian & Niklas Kronwall, Swede. 9 Canadians and not one gets a letter? Not Todd Bertuzzi or Riley Sheahan? Not even Brendan Smith? That guy's from freaking MIMICO! -3

Coach? Mike Babcock. Coach of the 2014 GOLD MEDAL WINNING Canadian Olympic Team. +1
Seen here celebrating the gold medal

General Manager? Ken Holland. WJHL grad. That's why he uses Gut Analytics, math is hard for him. +1

Owner? Mike Illitch, American Pizza Purveyour, education crusher -1
Detroit Schools WISH they could afford this
Starting Goaltender? Jimmy Howard, American, press box Olympian. -1

Most Points? Daniel Alfredsson. *spit take* What? 800 year old Alfie? The clown haired chicken swede? Good God Detroit. -1

Is their sweater Canadian enough?
It's Red & White. It's simple, beautiful. Very Canadian. +2

Total Score: +1 - Wow, you started strong then blew it in the end. Way to Leaf it up there Detroit.

Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Cheering for that family on your street that you think is nice, though it's clear non of them have jobs and are terrible with finances, and you're glad they're across the street because man, their house looks like shit, even compared to yours and you hate mowing the lawn.

(Detroits a dump)


#14 Philadelphia Flyers

Are they in Canada? Dear Lord no. They are the opposite of every Canadian stereotype around. -1

What's the average temperature? High: 11.6 Low: 2 +1

Does it snow there? Yes indeed +1

Are there Maple trees? Oh yes +1

Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? Yes. They'll even pelt you with timbits if you order a sandwich in the drivethru +1

Roster Breakdown 15 Canadian, 4 USAers, 2 Swedes, 1 Austrian (I didn't know hockey was big down under. G'Day Michael Raffl!), 1 Czech, 1 Swiss, 1 Finn. 60% Canadian!

Captains? Captain: Claude Giroux, Canadian (1G) Alternates: Scott Hartnell, Canadian & Kimmo Timonen (3S, 4B) 2 Canucks and a Finn. +2

Coach? Craig Berube, from Calahoo Alberta. Hah. Calahoo. +1

General Manager? Paul Holmgren, American. -1

Owner? Ed Snider, cable tycoon. Lockout lover, goalie hater. Evil, but not enough to be the NHL's Mr.Burns -1

Starting Goaltender? Steven Mason, Team Canada Gold medal winning goaltender, but also former London Knight. + 0.5

Most Points? Claude Giroux. 27G, 55A. Only way that name could be more Canadian is if it was Dougie Gordon. +1

Is their sweater Canadian enough?
Mostly orange, like the colours of cottage country in the fall. Also like cottage country becomes a jerk when ice is involved. - 0

Total Score: 5.5

The Philadelphia sports stereotype is the opposite of the country's nickname, the city of brotherly love. I'm sure its not true but stereotypes are real time savers. Plus their owner is Ed Snider.

What cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Hoping that asshole dad who screams at refs during peewee games wins the lotto.

#13 Columbus Blue Jackets
Wait, wait, wait.  This is a playoff preview what are the Blue Jackets doing here? What? Seriously? How did th- oh right.
Can't escape it

Are they in Canada? No, but pretty close, only 3 hours away.  Doesn't help them though. -1
What's the average temperature? High:10.1 Low: 0.4 - Hockey Temps for sure. +1
Does it snow there? Yep, average 69.9cm +1
Are there Maple trees? Like STD's at a rave. +1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? It's Ohios duty to have one of every fast food franchise.. +1
Roster Breakdown 14 Canadians, 8 USAers, 4 Russians. Least Diverse team ever. Except for the Blue Jays.
Captains? No Captain, but 4 alternates.  Like it's Commie Ohio or something. Jared Boll, USAer & Brandon Dubinsky, USAer & Jack Johnson, USAer & Mark Letestu, Canadian  +1, saved themselves with our hero Mark, there.
Coach? Todd Richards, American. Though he did start in the AHL with the Sherbrooke Canadiens. -1
General Manager? Jarmo Kekalainen, a Finn! What is this? He's not part of the NHL's Old Boys Club! +1 for breaking the mold despite him not being Canadian.
Owner? John P. McConnel, American. -1
Starting Goaltender? Sergei Bobrobsky, Russian BOBROVSKY! GET IN HERE! YOU'RE OFF THE CASE! -1
Most Points?Ryan Johansen, 32G, 29A, Canadian +1
Is their sweater Canadian enough?
Very much no. It's so American and Ohioan I can't even look at it anymore.  I'll just turn my head slightly to the ri-OH DEAR LORD! 

Total Score: 3

What cheering for them as a Canadian is like: You know when a strange kid runs up to you at the mall, does something adorable and then  leaves?  It's like a Columbus Blue Jackets playoff run. Cute, short, and you forget about it quickly.


#12 New York Rangers

Are they in Canada? No, they are not.  They are in New York City. That is not in Canada, though movie studios would love you to think it is. -1

What's the average temperature? High: 10.1 Low: 2.7 +1
Does it snow there? Little bit. +1

Are there Maple trees? Yes, in the tiny little square of nature, yes. +1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? Yep, hurrah for ex-pats! +1
Roster Breakdown 13 Canadians, 6 USAers, 4 Swedes, 1 Viking, 1 Swiss. 52% Canadian
Captains? They traded away American Captain Ryan Callahan for awesome mini-Canadain Martin St. Louis, so we have 3 Canadian Alternates: Brad Richards (1G, 1B) & Dan Girardi  & Marc Staal (2G) +3
Coach? Alain Vigneault, Canadian +1
General Manager? Glen Sather. I don't care if he's Canadian, it's a -1.
Owner? Madison Square Garden. A company so American it gives out Apple Pies stuffed with baseballs as dividends. -1
Starting Goaltender? King Henrik Lundqvist, of Sweden. You know,   I don't think he's actually King of Sweden, guys. -1
Most Points? Mats Zuccarello, Viking. 19G, 40A -1
Is their sweater Canadian enough? 
No. Opposite of Canadian. -1

Total Score: 1

What cheering for them as a Canadian is like: You know how a lot of Canadian actors move to the US to find success and become famous?  Yeah thats what cheering for the Rangers is like.  Without the success part.

#11 Tampa Bay Lightning

Are they in Canada? No, but it's full of Canadians during hockey season anyway. So we'll call it even.
What's the average temperature? Warm & not hockey like. -1
Does it snow there? In 1977.  So, no. -1
Are there Maple trees?  No. -1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? No, but you can buy the coffee.  But that doesn't count. -1
Roster Breakdown 10 Canadians, 9 USAers, 3 Czechs, 3 Swedes, 2 Finns, 1 Russian, 1 Slovakian, 1 Latvian. 30% Canadian
Captains? Traded Captain Martin St. Louis away for an American. Stevie Y, how could you? But, Dreamy Canadian Superstar Steven Stamkos holds the C now (1G, 1S) Alternates: Nate Thompson, USA (1B) & Eric Brewer (5G) & Matthew Carle, USA.  Holy crap Eric Brewer has five gold medals? +2
Coach? Jon Cooper, Canadian +1
General Manager? Steve Yzerman, Canadian Hero. Architect of the 2014 GOLD MEDAL WINNING HOCKEY TEAM +1
Owner? Jeff Vinik, American. -1. Wait, he also owns the Red Sox? Screw that guy, another -1.
Starting Goaltender? Ben Bishop, American -1
Most Points? Ondrej Palat, Czech 23G, 36A, -1
Is their sweater Canadian enough?
I want to say no, but there is something oddly endearing about it.  Something that makes me want to love it and cherish it but I can't put my finger on it. -1

Total Score: -5

I've been to Tampa Bay once, I enjoyed my time there, I really liked wearing shorts in February.  The .eLafs were even in town, but I had no care and no one wanted to go with me (condo full of Habs fans). I didn't even go to Jays spring training up the road.  Man, what the hell?

What cheering for them as a Canadian is like: It's like rooting for that one weird cousin you have. You want them to do well, but you don't want them to do better than yourself.

8 teams down, 9ish left to go.

Will other teams like Boston, Anaheim, and Montreal fare better?

Find out tomorrow! or Monday, or whenever.

*Wrong, Lord Stanley of Prestons home country was England, and thats where he bought the original cup. 

1 comment:

  1. "Yes, having the wonderful city of Windsor as a neighbor finally pays off.. +1"

    Actually, I bet if you googled it, Detroit (and area) probably has more Tim Horton's than Windsor does (they're popping up every where lately!!).

    Also, boo this post for even letting the wings have a positive rating!! BOOOO!!!!!