Sunday, 13 April 2014

Canada's Team 2: Maple Boogaloo

So yesterday we took a look at the first 7 choices Canadians had to rally around as a country to "bring the cup back where it belongs", because really, isn't that what the NHL is all about? Proving which country', is bigger?

Well we certainly know who's flag pole is bigger

So far based on scores our standings as "Canada's Team" sit like this:

  1. Philadelphia Flyers 5.5
  2. Columbus Blue Jackets 3
  3. New York Rangers/Detroit Red Wings (tie) 1
  4. Phoenix Coyotes 0.5
  5. Dallas Stars 0
  6. Tampa Bay Lightning -5
I really don't want the Flyers to win. Let's hope today's bunch smarten up.
This is a world I do not want to live in.


#10 - Minnesota Wild

Are they in Canada? No, but look at it. Minnesota is practically Canada.
Rocks, Trees, Water, yep that's Canada.

What's the average temperature? 0. The average temperature during hockey season is 0. Ice everywhere!+1
Does it snow there? Oh yes it does. +1
Are there Maple trees? Every tree in Canada is pretty much in Minnesota. +1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? Yes there are, they even sell Minnesota Wild TimCards +1
Roster Breakdown (% Canadian must be over 50) 13 Canadians, 6 USAers, 4 Minnesotians, 4 Finns, 2 Swiss, 2 Swedes, 1 Russian. 40.1% Canadain
Captains? Captain: Mikko Koivu, Finland (2G, 4S, 5B) Alternates: Zach Parise, USAer (2G, 1S) & Ryan Suter. USAer (3G, 1S). NO Canucks. And I was just starting to like you. -3
Coach? Mike Yeo, Good ol Scarborough Boy. +1
General Manager? Chuck Fletcher. Montreal born & raised. +1
Owner? Craig Leilpold, American, Canadian hockey hater.  -1
Starting Goaltender? Bryzgalov? Backstrom? Who knows at this point. It's not a Canadian so whatever. -1
Most Points? Jason Pominville, 29G, 28A - Canadian through and through. +1
Is their sweater Canadian enough?
Well Canada is home to Santa Claus, but this are just too Christmassy for me. Canuckle Colours, but not enough. 0

Total Score: 2

Oh, just not enough for Minnesota. Gotta work on that leadership Wild.  I was rooting for Minnesota, because I assume every square inch of the place looks like cottage country and there's free cheese everywhere. But that may be Wisconsin, though aside from Vikings/Packers fans is there really a difference?

Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Buying compliments brand chips.  Not quite the same as Lays, but an ok substitute.
How you'd know Dad's hours at the plant were cut back.


#9 Los Angeles Kings

Are they in Canada? No, they're in California. Not even the good part, they're in Southern California. -1
What's the average temperature? 16.7 - A great temperature, but not what we're looking for. -1
Does it snow there? Well, Weather Underground says "According to the National Weather Service, measurable snow in Downtown L.A. has occurred only three times since California statehood, most recently on January 9, 1949". So, no, it doesn't -1
Are there Maple trees? Not naturally, no. -1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? No, the closest location is Victoria, BC.It;'s just not hip enough. -1
Roster Breakdown (% Canadian must be over 50) 13 Canadians, 5 Americans, 1 Slovakian, 1 Slovenian (they still haven't fixed that typo from last year), 1 Brazilian born, Indonesian, then Canadian raised, 1 Russian.  This has to be the least diverse team in the NHL. 59.1% Canadian
Captains? Captain: Dustin Brown, USAer (1S, 1B), Anze Kopita, Slovanian (SP) (1G, 2S, 2B in Div1) & Matt Greene, USAer. -3
Coach? Darryl Sutter. Canadian Hockey has produced as many Sutters as the US has Kennedys in politics. +1
General Manager? Dean Lombardi. American. -1
Owner? Phillip Anschutz, Sports team collector, American. -1
Starting Goaltender? Johnathan Quick, Silver medalist. -1

Most Points? Anze Kopitar, 29G 41A, Slovenian. Which after a google, is NOT Slovakia spelled wrong. Huh, learn something new. -1
Is their sweater Canadian enough? 
Black & White, like how most Canadians see Canada/US relationship.  -1

Total Score:  -12

A nice place to visit, wait, is it? I don't know, I've never been. I hear it's on fire a lot in the summer and has earthquakes and riots, and TMZ. I can't blame people for wishing an earthquake would make it float away into the Pacific.

Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Walking barefoot on the beach in the summer. You know it's a bad idea, but you're just going to do it anyway.

#7 Montreal Canadiens

Are they in Canada? Yes. For now, but who knows what bug will get up their butt in the future (hint it's a lot of them, like a whole colony of ants). Also this Yahoo! Answers is funny +1
What's the average temperature? Fucking Cold.  +1
Does it snow there? Did you not see the picture above?  Here's another one.  +1
Are there Maple trees? The place is covered in them, until the Bloc has them all removed like a Canadian Flag in the House of Commons. +1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? There are.  Did you also know Quebecs language laws are the reason there is no apostrophe in the logo? It's true!  (There's no excuse for my poor use of them though) +1
Roster Breakdown (% Canadian must be over 50) 14 Canadians, 6 USAers, 2 Russians, 1 Dane, 1 Czech, 1 Austrian, 1 Swede, 1 Slovakian. 51.2% Canadian
Captains? Captain: Brian Gionta, USAer. Alternates: Josh Gorges, Canadian (1S) & Andrei Markov, Russian (1G, 1S, 3B) +1 - An American Captain? And you call yourselves the Canadiens. Well, I never. +1
Coach? Michael Therrien, Canadien. (Dammit now they have me spelling it wrong). Fun fact: Started coaching with the Canadiens, they fired him. Pittsburgh hired him and the team was bad with him as a coach, this is the Malkin/Crosby Penguins too, so they fired him, then went on to win the cup that same season!  Then Montreal re-hired him! Brilliant Strategy! But that's what you get when you handicap your choices. -1 for being stupid
General Manager? Marc Bergevin. Born & Raised in Montreal. He grew up with the team and loves them so much he'll let his Norris caliber D-Man be trashed by his coach. Brilliant Strategy! +1
Owner? Molson Family. Yes, the Molsons of Molson Canadian fame. Those guys. But no discount prices on beer in the Bell Centre. They need their ivory backscratchers +1
Starting Goaltender? Carey "2014 GOLD MEDAL WINNING STARTING GOALIE" Price +1
Most Points? Max Pacioretty, 39G 21A, American. (SO of course he was more goals than assists the puck hog). -1
Is their sweater Canadian enough? 

Commonly Called one of the greatest hockey sweaters ever, it even had a second rate cartoon made of it. 

But let's take a closer look.  It's mostly Red, which is great.  Also white, great times.  But whats that other one?  Blue?  Red, White, and Blue.  Hmmm....what else celebrates that trio....


-1 for that terrible addition to true Red & White

Total Score: 6

Montreal, a great place to visit. Great sloppy greasy food, a good atmosphere in the rink, and I find it terrifying to talk to anyone I don't know.  So far the leader for being Canada's team, but ugh, as a Leafs fan I can't stand the thought.

Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Great, if you're already a Canadiens fan. Otherwise it's doing your patrotic duty to cheering for the Stanley Cup to BE BROUGHT HOME! OLE OLE OLE! /shotguns Molson Ex, puts on Black Face to "cheer on Subban", sets cop car on fire
Ah, Montreal in the spring.

#6 Chicago Blackhawks

Are they in Canada? No, they are on the shores of Lake Michigan, the only great lake the Americans won't share. -1
What's the average temperature? Everywhere from stupid hot in the summer, to stupid cold in the winter. Perfect Canadian Weather! +1
Does it snow there? So much that parking becomes scarce on the waterfront. +1
"Say Looting!"

Are there Maple trees? Indeed there are, but they leak butter instead of sap in the spring if local cuisine is to be believed. +1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? Yep, try the deep dish doughnut stuffed with polish sausage! +1
Roster Breakdown (% Canadian must be over 50) 11 Canadians, 6 USAers, 5 Swedes, TWO Slovakians (that has to be a record), 1 Dane, 1 Czech, 1 Finn, 1 Russian. 39.3% Canadian
Captains? Captain: Jonathan Toews, Canadian, even has his own lake named after him (6G, 1S) Alternates: Duncan Keith, Canadian (2G, 1S) & Patrick Sharp, Canadian (1G, 1S) - Lotsa good ol' Canadian Boys here. +3
Coach? Joel Quenneville, Canadian (barely, born at the edge of Canada in Windsor) +1
General Manager? Stan Bowman, son of Hockey Legend Scotty Bowman, seems to have his dads championship touch. Canadain +1
Owner? Rocky Wirtz, the anti-Wirtz, saviour of Chicago Hockey. American though. -1
Starting Goaltender? Corey Crawford, Canadian, and hearth throb. +1

Most Points? Patrick Sharp, 34G, 44A, Canadian +1
Is their sweater Canadian enough? 

Red & White are great colours.  Also capitalizes on Natives to help it's greatness, so thats pretty damn Canadian.  +2

Total Score: 11

Woah! We have a runaway leader here!  I can't say I would be disappointed to have to cheer for the Blackhawks. They have ex-IceDog Andrew Shaw who gave us this beautiful picture last spring:
Chicago is a place I've always wanted to see, plus they could be the next true dynasty in NHL. That would be awesome to see again, not a fake one like some want to call Detroit.

 Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Hopping on a bandwagon with Timmies Chocolate Dipped for wheels, a Harvey's fry box for a wagon, and some moose pulling the whole thing along.

Wow, what a day.  Lots of possibilities here. Let's take a look at the rankings so far:

  1. Chicago Blackhawks 11
  2. Montreal Canadiens 6
  3. Philadelphia Flyers 5.5
  4. Columbus Blue Jackets 3
  5. Minnesota Wild 2
  6. New York Rangers/Detroit Red Wings (tie) 1
  7. Phoenix Coyotes 0.5
  8. Dallas Stars 0
  9. Tampa Bay Lightning -5
  10. LA Kings -12

We have some great teams left to review before the playoffs start.  Will Chicago reign supreme over power houses Boston, Anaheim, St. Louis, or Pittsburgh?

I hope so.

1 comment:

  1. The last installment better be as rigged as the '05 draft so the pens end up as Canada's team!!!