Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Who really is "Canada's Team"?

Well that's it.  The Boston Bruins defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs 5-4 in overtime of game seven in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. It's disappointing but they over achieved based on expectations and performance vs Boston the past several seasons.  With Toronto, Montreal  and Vancouver eliminated in the first round, the Ottawa Senators are the sole Canadian team in the NHL playoffs and so begins my least favourite part of the playoffs (yes that includes the Leafs rarely being there): Someone being anointed "Canada's Team".

You see, the last time a team based in Canada won the Stanley Cup was 20 years ago.  Montreal Canadiens over the Los Angeles Kings in 1993. This is important to some people who don't understand the difference between international competition and the profit based major league sports.  And the CBC, but that's based on ad revenue.

A lot of Canadian hockey fans love to thump their chests about this being "our game" and have plenty to say about any foreigner on their team, especially Americans (ignoring that the 3 Americans on their team are some of the best players on said team).  So when a team, even if it's a clear majority of Canadians on the roster, from America wins the Stanley Cup, it's offensive.  Especially if that team is from a non-traditional market, heaven forbid more people be exposed to the game we love.  Sharing is for kindergarten, THIS IS SPORTS!

So, here we are. 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs round 2. Who's playing, and who really is "Canada's Team"?

Pittsburgh Penguins:
Captain - Sidney Crosby (CANADIAN!)
Alternates: Evgeni Malkin (LAZY RUSSIAN!), Brooks Orpik (AMERICAN! /spits on ground), Chris Kunitz (CANADIAN!)

Break Down - 17 CANADIANS, 7 Americans, 1 Czech, 1 Finn, 1 Russian, 1 Swede - 61% CANADIAN!

Boston Bruins:
Captain: Zdeno Chara (Slovakian - probably communist)
Alternates: Patrice Bergeron (CANADIAN!), Andrew Ference (CANADIAN!), Chris Kelly (CANADIAN!) - Obviously Boston knows how to be winners, they just made Chara Captain to placate him so he wouldn't grind their bones into bread.

Break Down - 17 CANADIANS, 2 Americans, 1 Slovakian giant, 1 Latvian, 2 Czechs, 1 Russian, 1 Finn, 1 German, 1 Swede  - 61% CANADIAN!

New York Rangers:
Captain: Ryan Callahan (of course the most American team would have an American as captain)
Alternates: Brad Richards (CANADIAN!), Marc Staal (CANADIAN!)

Break Down - 15 CANADIANS, 8 Americans, 3 Swedes, 1 Norwegian, 1 Czech - 54% CANADIAN!

Ottawa Senators
Captain: Daniel Alfredsson (clown haired chicken Swede)
Alternates: Jason Spezza (CANADIAN!), Chris Phillips (CANADIAN!)

Break Down - 16 CANADIANS!, 4 Americans, 5 Swedes, 1 Czech, 1 Dane, 1 Russian - 61% CANADIAN!

Chicago Blackhawks
Captain: Johnathan Toews (CANADIAN!)
Alternates: Patrick Sharp (CANADIAN!), Duncan Keith (CANADIAN!)

Break Down - 14 CANADIANS!, 5 Americans, 2 Czechs, 2 Slovakians, 5 Swedes - 50% CANADIAN!

Los Angeles Kings
Captain: Dustin Brown (American! They'll never win anything with a Yank captain)
Alternates: Anze Kopitar (Slovanian - I think they spelled Slovakia wrong on the roster), Matt Greene (American / spits on ground)  NO CANADIANS!  as leaders.  This team is going nowhere.

Break Down - 17 CANADIANS!, 8 Americans, 1 Russian, 1 Slovanian Slovakian - 61% CANADIAN!

San Jose Sharks
Captain: Joe Thornton (CANADIAN!)
Alternates: Dan Boyle (CANADIAN!), Patrick Marleau (CANADIAN!) - Man with 3 CANADIANS! as leaders these guys are groomed for success.

Break Down - 15 CANADIANS!, 10 Americans, 1 German, 1 Czech, 1 Finn - 54% CANADIAN!

Detroit Red Wings
Captain: Henrik Zetterberg (chicken Swede)
Alternates: Niklas Kronwall (chicken Swede), Pavel Datsyuk (Lazy Russian)

Break Down - 11 CANADIANS!, 5 Americans, 8 Swedes, 1 Swiss, 1 Finn, 1 Czech - 41% CANADIAN!

So we have a tie between Pittsburgh, Boston, Ottawa, and Los Angeles as the most Canadian team in terms of roster breakdown.  We'll give them all 10 points. 

PIT - 10
BOS - 10
OTT - 10
LA   - 10

1 point will be deducted for not being in Canada.

PIT - 9
BOS - 9
OTT - 10
LA   - 9

1 point will be deducted for any Alternate Captain who is not Canadian.

PIT - 7
BOS - 9
OTT - 10
LA   - 7

2 points will be deducted for not having a Canadian Captain

PIT - 7
BOS - 7
OTT - 8
LA   - 5

1 point is lost for non-Canadian ownership

PIT - 6.5
BOS - 6
OTT - 7 (the Bahamas aren't Canada, Mr. Melnyk)
LA   - 4

1 point is lost for not having a Canadian coach, they truly understand the game.

PIT - 5.5
BOS - 6
OTT - 7
LA   - 4

Finally, 1 point is lost for not having a Canadian starting goaltender (determined by # of regular season games played)

PIT - 5.5
BOS - 5
OTT - 6
LA   - 3

After doing some very in depth research I have concluded that I did not get the result i want and that yes, if you must cheer for someone as "Canada's Team" it's the Ottawa Senators, by only half a point.

God dammit I was hoping it'd be LA.

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