Ugh. (Part One)

It's that time of year again.

So here come the NHL playoffs, and the popular topic is only one (ONE! UN!) Canadian based team has made the playoffs. Now columnists are busy typing away about "why can't Canadian teams all make the playoffs at once" and "What's wrong with our teams". Only one option: HOLD A SUMMIT.

But come on, is this really a worry for anyone who isn't paid to write cliches in the newspaper every day and be a smug dingus to people and ignore proof you're wrong?

So yes, now it's time to find out "Who is CANADA'S TEAM".

Obviously it's the Montreal Canadiens right? I mean it's right in their name (spelled wrong, but we'll forgive them), and they're the only team based in Canada left, unless you're an immature Sens Fan.

Besides, it's ours, Canada is Lord Stanley's home anyway right?**

So let's dive into the playoffs and find out just we as a nation should cheer for. We'll look at the important things that help a team succeed at hockey:

Are they in Canada?
What's the average temperature?
Does it snow there?
Are there Maple trees?
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby?
Roster Breakdown (% Canadian must be over 50)
Captains?
Coach?
General Manager?
Owner?
Starting Goaltender?
Most Points?
Is their sweater Canadian enough?

Let's get one with it then.

#16 - Phoenix Arizona Coyotes

Are they in Canada? They are Glendale, Arizona, USA, which is not in Canada. It is 2,200km from the Centre of the Hockey Universe. -1

Average Temperature Oct-April: High: 24.3 Low: 11.6. These are not hockey temperatures. -1

Does it snow? In Phoenix/Glendale area, the average is 0cm, however some places in northern Arizona see up to an average of 2.5 meters. Yay snow! +1

Are there Maple Trees? Yes. Acer grandidentatum is a member of the Maple Tree family. +1

Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? No. They are barren of boston creams, tearful for timbits, longing for longjohns (though we all are really) -1

Roster Breakdown: 14 Canadians, 5 USAers, 4 Czechs, 1 Finn, 1 Swede, 1 German, 1 Dane - 51.9%
Canadian

Leaders? Captain: Shane Doan, Canadian (2Gold, 3Silver medals while representing his country),
Alternates: Keith Yandle, USAer & Martin Hanzal, Czech. Huh, no medals for the non-Canadians. Odd. (+1-1-1= -1)

Coach? Dave Tippett, former member of the Canadian National Team, played for Team Canada at 1984 Olympics +1

General Manager? Don Maloney, born in Lindsay Ontario. Won GM of the Year in 2010. +1

Owner? IceArizona Acquisition Co., LLC - A Canadian group of owners. +1

Starting Goaltender? Mike Smith, somehow became a member of the Gold medal winning 2014 Canadian Olympic team. +1

Most Points? Keith Yandle, USAer - 8G 45A -1

Is their sweater Canadian enough?

Well, it's Maroon, sand, and white. Maroon is almost red but it isn't. It's nice and simple though, not too fancy, like their last attempt at a sweater. Change that Maroon to Red and swap the coyote for a wolf and we'll be onto something. .5 points for almost getting the colours right.

Total Score: 1.5

Just over half the roster is Canadian, Captain & starting goalie are Canadian. Coach & GM are from the frozen north. No snow in Glendale but now they're the Arizona Coyotes and it does snow in Arizona. But no Timmies? Sad. Ownership is Canadian, but they're traitors for not immediately moving the team to Quebec City or Hamilton or Saskatoon so they lose that point they got.

New total Score: 0.5

Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Putting cactus syrup on your pancakes.

Not as delicious as it sounds

                                                                                                                                          

#16: Dallas Stars

Are they in Canada? No, Dallas, Texas is in the United States of America. They are 1,400 km from the Centre of the Hockey Universe. -1

What's the average temperature? High: 19.3 Low: 8.3 -1

Does it snow there? Dallas, TX has an annual average of 3.8 CM of snow. This does not count as having snow. -1

Are there Maple trees? No. -1

Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? No. You have to travel to Kentucky or San Jose, according to this sketchy third party app. -1

Roster Breakdown 16 Canadians, 3 USAers, 2 Russians (looks like the Wolverines let their guard down), 1 Frenchman (a real one, not a Quebecer),1 Swede, 1 Finn. 66.7% Canadian

Captains? Captain: Jamie Benn, Canadian (2G) Alternates: Shawn Horcoff, Canadian (2G, 1s) & Ray Whitney, Canadian - Everything is bigger in Texas, even Canadian Leadership. +3

Coach? Lindy Ruff, born in Saskatchewan, coached mostly in Buffalo, which is like living in the alley behind Canada. +1

General Manager? Jim Nill, Canadian. Played for Team Canada at the 1980 olympics. +1

Owner? Tom Gaglardi, Canadian. +1 Though, again, he didn't move a team out of the South and put it in Canada? Shame. SHAME! -1

Starting Goaltender? Kari Lehtonen, Finnish -1

Most Points? Tyler Seguin. 36G, 47A. Canadian Troublemaker, Locker Room Cancer +1

Is their sweater Canadian enough?

An improvement over their last choice, but not very Canadian at all. Yes, we have lots of trees up here, as represented by the green in their sweater, but no, this isn't enough. - 0

Total Score: 0

Dallas, Dallas, Dallas. You've been around much longer than the Coyotes, but you still score lower? That's a bad team, bad! Not even your 100% faith in Canadians could help you score higher. Yes, it's also nice you have more Canadians on the roster, even 2/3 of your team hails from the Maple Majesty, but alas, it wasn't enough. Buy a snow machine, go skiing, then talk to us.

Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: eating at Taco Bell where the meat is made of bald eagles.

Tastes like Freedom.  And Feathers.

                                                                                                                            

#15 Detroit Redwings

Are they in Canada? Almost, you could throw a rock and hit Canada from Detroit (okay, not throw but certainly use a catapult acorss the river). We can't throw one back because then one of their buildings would collapse. +1

What's the average temperature? High: 7.4, Low: -8 - that's what I'm talking about. +1

Does it snow there? Average snowfall: 1.08 meters. Wait, how do you have less than Arizona, Detroit? You lose a point for that. -1

Are there Maple trees?  We Canadians planted a few when we captured Fort Detroit in the war of 1812. +1

Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? Yes, having the wonderful city of Windsor as a neighbor finally pays off.. +1

Roster Breakdown 9 Swedes, 7 Canadians, 7 USAers, 2 Czechs, 2 Slovakians, 1 Russian. 25% Canadian. No wonder they barely made the playoffs.

Captains? Captain: Henrik Zetterberg, Swede. Alternates: Pavel Datsyuk, Russian & Niklas Kronwall, Swede. 9 Canadians and not one gets a letter? Not Todd Bertuzzi or Riley Sheahan? Not even Brendan Smith? That guy's from freaking MIMICO! -3

Coach? Mike Babcock. Coach of the 2014 GOLD MEDAL WINNING Canadian Olympic Team. +1

Seen here celebrating the gold medal

General Manager? Ken Holland. WJHL grad. That's why he uses Gut Analytics, math is hard for him. +1

Owner? Mike Illitch, American Pizza Purveyour, education crusher -1

Detroit Schools WISH they could afford this

Starting Goaltender? Jimmy Howard, American, press box Olympian. -1

Most Points? Daniel Alfredsson. *spit take* What? 800 year old Alfie? The clown haired chicken swede? Good God Detroit. -1

Is their sweater Canadian enough?

It's Red & White. It's simple, beautiful. Very Canadian. +2

Total Score: +1 - Wow, you started strong then blew it in the end. Way to Leaf it up there Detroit.

Cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Cheering for that family on your street that you think is nice, though it's clear non of them have jobs and are terrible with finances, and you're glad they're across the street because man, their house looks like shit, even compared to yours and you hate mowing the lawn.

(Detroits a dump)

                                                                                                                            

#14 Philadelphia Flyers

Are they in Canada? Dear Lord no. They are the opposite of every Canadian stereotype around. -1

What's the average temperature? High: 11.6 Low: 2 +1

Does it snow there? Yes indeed +1

Are there Maple trees? Oh yes +1

Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? Yes. They'll even pelt you with timbits if you order a sandwich in the drivethru +1

Roster Breakdown 15 Canadian, 4 USAers, 2 Swedes, 1 Austrian (I didn't know hockey was big down under. G'Day Michael Raffl!), 1 Czech, 1 Swiss, 1 Finn. 60% Canadian!

Captains? Captain: Claude Giroux, Canadian (1G) Alternates: Scott Hartnell, Canadian & Kimmo Timonen (3S, 4B) 2 Canucks and a Finn. +2

Coach? Craig Berube, from Calahoo Alberta. Hah. Calahoo. +1

General Manager? Paul Holmgren, American. -1

Owner? Ed Snider, cable tycoon. Lockout lover, goalie hater. Evil, but not enough to be the NHL's Mr.Burns -1

Starting Goaltender? Steven Mason, Team Canada Gold medal winning goaltender, but also former London Knight. + 0.5

Most Points? Claude Giroux. 27G, 55A. Only way that name could be more Canadian is if it was Dougie Gordon. +1

Is their sweater Canadian enough?

Mostly orange, like the colours of cottage country in the fall. Also like cottage country becomes a jerk when ice is involved. - 0

Total Score: 5.5

The Philadelphia sports stereotype is the opposite of the country's nickname, the city of brotherly love. I'm sure its not true but stereotypes are real time savers. Plus their owner is Ed Snider.

What cheering for them as a Canadian is like: Hoping that asshole dad who screams at refs during peewee games wins the lotto.

                                                                                                                                

#13 Columbus Blue Jackets
Wait, wait, wait.  This is a playoff preview what are the Blue Jackets doing here? What? Seriously? How did th- oh right.

Can't escape it

Are they in Canada? No, but pretty close, only 3 hours away.  Doesn't help them though. -1
What's the average temperature? High:10.1 Low: 0.4 - Hockey Temps for sure. +1
Does it snow there? Yep, average 69.9cm +1
Are there Maple trees? Like STD's at a rave. +1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? It's Ohios duty to have one of every fast food franchise.. +1
Roster Breakdown 14 Canadians, 8 USAers, 4 Russians. Least Diverse team ever. Except for the Blue Jays.
Captains? No Captain, but 4 alternates.  Like it's Commie Ohio or something. Jared Boll, USAer & Brandon Dubinsky, USAer & Jack Johnson, USAer & Mark Letestu, Canadian  +1, saved themselves with our hero Mark, there.
Coach? Todd Richards, American. Though he did start in the AHL with the Sherbrooke Canadiens. -1
General Manager? Jarmo Kekalainen, a Finn! What is this? He's not part of the NHL's Old Boys Club! +1 for breaking the mold despite him not being Canadian.
Owner? John P. McConnel, American. -1
Starting Goaltender? Sergei Bobrobsky, Russian BOBROVSKY! GET IN HERE! YOU'RE OFF THE CASE! -1
Most Points?Ryan Johansen, 32G, 29A, Canadian +1
Is their sweater Canadian enough?

Very much no. It's so American and Ohioan I can't even look at it anymore.  I'll just turn my head slightly to the ri-OH DEAR LORD! 

NO POINTS

Total Score: 3

What cheering for them as a Canadian is like: You know when a strange kid runs up to you at the mall, does something adorable and then  leaves?  It's like a Columbus Blue Jackets playoff run. Cute, short, and you forget about it quickly.

                                                                                                                             

#12 New York Rangers

Are they in Canada? No, they are not.  They are in New York City. That is not in Canada, though movie studios would love you to think it is. -1

What's the average temperature? High: 10.1 Low: 2.7 +1
Does it snow there? Little bit. +1

Are there Maple trees? Yes, in the tiny little square of nature, yes. +1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? Yep, hurrah for ex-pats! +1
Roster Breakdown 13 Canadians, 6 USAers, 4 Swedes, 1 Viking, 1 Swiss. 52% Canadian
Captains? They traded away American Captain Ryan Callahan for awesome mini-Canadain Martin St. Louis, so we have 3 Canadian Alternates: Brad Richards (1G, 1B) & Dan Girardi  & Marc Staal (2G) +3
Coach? Alain Vigneault, Canadian +1
General Manager? Glen Sather. I don't care if he's Canadian, it's a -1.
Owner? Madison Square Garden. A company so American it gives out Apple Pies stuffed with baseballs as dividends. -1
Starting Goaltender? King Henrik Lundqvist, of Sweden. You know,   I don't think he's actually King of Sweden, guys. -1
Most Points? Mats Zuccarello, Viking. 19G, 40A -1
Is their sweater Canadian enough? 

No. Opposite of Canadian. -1

Total Score: 1

What cheering for them as a Canadian is like: You know how a lot of Canadian actors move to the US to find success and become famous?  Yeah thats what cheering for the Rangers is like.  Without the success part.

                                                                                                                                  

#11 Tampa Bay Lightning

Are they in Canada? No, but it's full of Canadians during hockey season anyway. So we'll call it even.
What's the average temperature? Warm & not hockey like. -1
Does it snow there? In 1977.  So, no. -1
Are there Maple trees?  No. -1
Is there a Tim Hortons nearby? No, but you can buy the coffee.  But that doesn't count. -1
Roster Breakdown 10 Canadians, 9 USAers, 3 Czechs, 3 Swedes, 2 Finns, 1 Russian, 1 Slovakian, 1 Latvian. 30% Canadian
Captains? Traded Captain Martin St. Louis away for an American. Stevie Y, how could you? But, Dreamy Canadian Superstar Steven Stamkos holds the C now (1G, 1S) Alternates: Nate Thompson, USA (1B) & Eric Brewer (5G) & Matthew Carle, USA.  Holy crap Eric Brewer has five gold medals? +2
Coach? Jon Cooper, Canadian +1
General Manager? Steve Yzerman, Canadian Hero. Architect of the 2014 GOLD MEDAL WINNING HOCKEY TEAM +1
Owner? Jeff Vinik, American. -1. Wait, he also owns the Red Sox? Screw that guy, another -1.
Starting Goaltender? Ben Bishop, American -1
Most Points? Ondrej Palat, Czech 23G, 36A, -1
Is their sweater Canadian enough?

I want to say no, but there is something oddly endearing about it.  Something that makes me want to love it and cherish it but I can't put my finger on it. -1

Total Score: -5

I've been to Tampa Bay once, I enjoyed my time there, I really liked wearing shorts in February.  The .eLafs were even in town, but I had no care and no one wanted to go with me (condo full of Habs fans). I didn't even go to Jays spring training up the road.  Man, what the hell?

What cheering for them as a Canadian is like: It's like rooting for that one weird cousin you have. You want them to do well, but you don't want them to do better than yourself.

                                                                                                                                

8 teams down, 9ish left to go.

Will other teams like Boston, Anaheim, and Montreal fare better?

Find out tomorrow! or Monday, or whenever.

*Wrong, Lord Stanley of Prestons home country was England, and thats where he bought the original cup. 

Breaking Butler

bloo bloo bloo

Stan Butler has been the coach of the Brampton/North Bay Battalion since the franchise was created in 1997. He's had a good career. He's also coached the Prince George Cougars in the WHL, the Oshawa Generals in the OHL, and the National Under 18 team. He is the 4th coach in OHL history to coach 1,000 games, and the 7th to win 500 games. 430 of those wins have been with the Battalion.

He coached top prospects Matt Duchene and Cody Hodgson. He won the Central Division in 02/03, 05/06, 07/08, and 08/09, as well as the Bobby Orr Trophy as Eastern conference champions in 08/09. (They lost the OHL final to eventual Memorial Cup champs Windsor Spitfires in 5 games).

The move from Brampton to North Bay must have been a huge culture shock. From the dusting of snow in the GTA to the "Honey, help me dig a tunnel to the car" snow of North Bay. From suburban sprawl to "damn deer got into the trash again". From a quick hop on the 401 to most opponents to a 4 hour drive just to reach the 401.

The differences in the cities are small, but noticeable

Most importantly, going from last in attendance (avg 2100 out of 5,000) to an area where the OHL is the only game in town and a big boost in attendance (avg 3200 out of 4,400). You'd think after spending a few months with a crowd in an older, non-cavernous arena he'd be used to noise and distractions. Hell, after visiting Niagara you’d think he'd be used to our rinks ability to reverberate noise and how enthusiastically the crowd gets into the game.

Apparently he misses the silence.

On Saturday December 7th something happened in The Jack that I've never seen before.

The visiting coach had security remove Bones, the Ice Dogs’ mascot.

Don't mess with my kids buddy

Now some people hate mascots, some love 'em. I like Bones. His antics always amuse me, especially when sitting next to the visitor’s bench. On Saturday, Bones was up to his usual stuff; smacking the glass by the visitors bench, rubbing his butt on there, climbing the boards and making faces.

Stan Butler, it seems, is a delicate flower.

He did not appreciate this behaviour.

He asked the Refs to stop the game.

They did.

He had security called.

It happened.

[The video has been removed from YouTube]

IceDogs GM & Head Coach Marty Williamson was on CKTB this past Tuesday (Dec 10). Give a listen at 32:28 (the clock counts down) and hear the story from him.

http://www.610cktb.com/multimedia/Episodes.aspx?PID=2616

"It's pretty silly, there is a bit of a rule that you can take action if anyone hangs over the glass...Stan was worried one of his players were going to swing at the mascot. I think my players are more focused on the game to do that...now the league has said our mascot has to stay away from their bench"

Stan Butler went crying to the OHL. About a mascot.

OUR mascot.

This means war.

IceDogs fans, I say we stand up and defend Bones. North Bay returns on Feb 22.

Let's make it our mission to #BreakButler.

Bring noisemakers, drums, a tuba, a clarinet (especially if you can't play) to the game.

If you're behind the bench yell, clang, bang, clash, whatever every time he opens his mouth.

Don't let him or his team focus.

Make a sign. Plaster the glass with them. Sit above the opposing team’s player entrance. Play that clarinet badly when he walks by.

Offer him some earplugs & horse blinders for his uncontrollable players.

Let's go full out on this.

Tweet your plans to #BreakButler.

Let's keep it clean, and remember, let's have fun with it.

Man, he should have just taken a page from Craig MacTavish's book.

New Years (Opening Night Live Blog)

4:45am

Alarm goes off.

"sonofabitch" I say to great the morning, as usual.

I climb out of bed cursing myself for not settling to live in a tiny condo near a GO station in Mississauga or Etobicoke, but that's a story for another blog.

I dress clumsily, sigh into the mirror at the state of my hair, not quite hockey hair, not manageable either.

I climb into my car and turn on 590, as usual.

Then it gets me.

Today is the day.

It's Opening Day.

"Hurrah!" I cheer as I stop at the gas station to fill up. I get back in for my drive to the train when I hear it.
"The Leafs and Kessel are on the verge of a new deal"

What?

Really?

On today?

Really?

My hopes are raised and I enjoy the hosts agreeing that 7-8x8 for Phil is reasonable. After all not even Crosby has as many points as Phil does since he joined the Leafs.

(Yes Sid has been injured, shut up, don't ruin my day)

I park and prepare to board the train.

I feel my pockets.

I forgot my phone.

On this, the holiest day of days, I am without connection to my hockey world as I ride the rails.

Balls.

7:30am

I log into my work computer and click open my browser to my usual tabs. Twitter & Pension Plan Puppets. No better way to keep up on Opening Night news and, what is now Phil Kessel Day news.

What am I greeted with?

Hello Sexy Kessel

8x8 is the rumoured deal. Oh 'tis a great day.

I switch my wallpaper to rotating Leafs images for the season.

"Sorry son, you're adorable but it's hockey season."

9:00am

Check out Stanley Cup oh Chowder, A Bruins blog, but somehow the members there are alright. They like Kessel. They like that it's 8 mil of Leafs cap space, but they still appreciate him.  I share my favourite Kessel pic with them.

10:00am

As everyone settles into work Kessel news spreads. No one disagrees with it.

No one gets fired.

Today is a good day.

1:00PM

More hockey talk. Guy who sits next to me nabbed a Grabbo shirt for 60% off.

"He's going to do great this year" says my new boss.

"Don't ruin my day, not today" I say.

2:00PM

The temp walks up. She's a Habs fan.

"You're computer is gross", she says as a picture of a happy Reimer pops up

"And you're still on probation, Habs fan" I say to her.

The first of many wins over the Habs today, I can feel it.

3:00PM

Leave work. Head to the train. I can't control myself. I have no phone but need moar hockey. 

I buy the Toronto Sun.

Shut up.

5:00PM

Pick up the boys from daycare. 

"Is today the hockey game?"

"Yep"

"Can I stay up late and watch"

"Who are you cheering for?"

"The Maple Leafs"

"Yes. Yes. You can"

6:00PM

Get home, stopped at the grocery store. Got snacks.

Popcorn, Ice Cream Sammiches, Popsicles.
You know, health food.

6:30PM

Shit.

My kids don't have Leafs sweaters.

Well shit.

The youngest is adamant about wearing hockey sweaters.

He gets a team Canada.

My oldest?

Shit.

He has a Habs sweater.

I'm a terrible father.

6:45PM
"Is the game on yet?"
"No, we'll put it on in 10 minutes"
As he becomes visibly upset at this I do what any god parent would do.
"Here, have a cupcake"
Crisis averted.

6:50PM
"Put the game on!"
"Fine"
I put the preshow on and go to sit down when:
"POPCORN! WE NEED TO MAKE POPCORN HURRY!"
I fall over at the shouting.
I go make the popcorn.

7:00PM
"This isn't the hockey game"
"I know"
"why is it on?!"
"I don't know"
"I'm bored"
"I Know, me too, game will be on soon. I hope"

7:15PM
"Why is there a torch?"
"because there always is"
"why?"
"familiarity is easier than coming up with original ideas"
"what?"
"they're lazy"
"oh, like me when i don't clean my room"
"exactly. it's easier to leave it a mess than do work every year"
"when is the game starting?"
"when they introduce every player on the team"
"I don't want to watch this part"
"me neither"
"can i play angry birds"
......hands over phone
"sure.....now I'm bored"

7:25PM
"Is the game on yet?"
"no"
"why not?"
...considers how to put the phrase "because the habs aren't done blowing themselves yet" into terms a 5 year old can understand
"because"

9:00PM

Remember i called this a live blog.

Dont care, hockey is on

'Night.

Kids These Days

I was talking with my wife about jr hockey and before i get started, you should know a couple things.

1)She's a Habs fan.

2)Like me, she got into jr hockey when the IceDogs came to town

3)She hates Nazem Kadri

Okay then. Onwards we go.

We were doing the dishes last night, and were talking about ticket prices for the new arena here in Niagara. I said a small bump in attendance could happen for two reasons: 1)people coming to looky loo the new barn and 2)people coming to games who refused to go because, well, The Jack isn't the most accessible or comfortable of places.

"Thats stupid, arenas like Niagara and Sudbury ARE jr hockey. Kitchener was nice but too professional."

I agreed on that point.  Sudbury and our barn have history resonating from every concrete block, every expose wooden beam holding the roof up, the tight concourses, old school score boards, and tight spaces.

All these new rinks are trying to be NHL Lite.

This, she says, is leading to problems with rookies.

"Look at London and Kitchener. Look at their scoreboards, their dressing rooms, its all NHL stuff. Kids aren't paying their dues these days. They're not roughing it. Shitholes like The Jack and Sudbury are where you learn your place. Thats why Kadri is the way he is. He got spoiled in London"

Interesting point. I mean, Alex Pietrangelo never tossed a stick at my wifes head (Kadri).  Maybe playing in a depression era barn kept him humble and in his place?

Now, The Jack has its flaws (cramped, smells of mold, has rats, wooden benches, one entrance) but it has charm and character. The JLC in London has none of that. It has ample legroom, clean concessions, audio equipment that works, video scoreboard.  Who wants to watch a game there?

Are Jr players spoiled these days? More than they used to, but these days an owner cant be a tightwad. You need to compete with NCAA scholarships. You need to draw kids in from Europe (for now) and the US. It costs money to get those kids to drop their College commitments. You think the Generals built a nicer change room that the Leafs (true, I've been in both) for fun? No it was to lure talent like Tyler Biggs away from the NCAA! 

Sadly the days of the rundown Jr rink that gives you a sense of community are ending. Now its all about multi-purpose entertainment centres. Year round events and selling suites.

So yeah, the kids will get custom wrapped buses, and cushioned dressing room stalls, and rat free locker rooms.  Hotels to stay at overnight and burlap sacks of cash to not play anywhere but London (Domi).

But they won't get a sense of roughing it and paying their dues.  Suffering through a game on a bench that could collapse at any moment and where you could trip over steel support beams sticking out diagonally (true story, if youre at The Jack  look at an empty IceDogs bench).  That stuff builds character. Not tantrum having stick throwing primma donnas (Kadri).

I'll go see games on padded seats, and with legroom and not fill my lungs with poisonous mold. I'll go in April and not miss the game because the glass is fogging up. I'll listen to crystal clear sound and watch HD Video.

But I'll be grumbling about Kids These Days while I do it.

(FYI I love Kadri, but my wife never forgets the sight of a stick flying towards her head and shattering in the glass between the player bench and the seats)

Fandom - My long winding road into loving hockey and the Maple Leafs

Last year  Chemmy & MF37 over at PensionPlanPuppets posted stories that told us all how they became Leafs fans under the tag "Building the Narrative"

It was a good experiment and I've meant to write one, but I am very lazy.

Finally here is my own story. It's not built on family, or schoolyard fights. It's a winding road.

As a warning, I write like Quentin Tarantino directs: editing for length is for suckers and there's no detail unnecessary.

I took the long route to my fandom. I criss-crossed the continent, and my allegiance for the first, oh 17 years, wandered like hitchhiker in the 60's, complete with regrettable acts in my past.

I grew up surrounded by hockey fans. My Mother was a Bruins fan, my dads brother was a hardcore Leafs fan, my mother had 3 brothers, 2 Leafs fans, and a Blackhawks fan, and her father was a Red Wings fan.

How I never got into hockey is beyond me.

(This picture was taken before my first - and last - hockey practice. It was not worth missing cartoons to me on Saturdays)

I went about blissfully ignorant of what I was missing. Saturdays at my mom's parents meant Hockey Night in Canada. I knew the Leafs were bad, or good, or rebuilding, depending on who you asked, never to ask about the Blackhawks, and my mom would pine for Bobby Orr and Phil Esposito.

I turned 10 in the winter of '93, and it seemed like everyone was more excited about what was going on in hockey. (My city is in a constant 3-way of Northeast teams. The Leafs and Canadiens are dominant, but there's also a loyal Sabres following since we're minutes from the border.)

More and more Habs and Leafs shirts were popping up at school and like any impressionable 10 year old I hopped on board the bandwagon of whatever shirt I liked better and what the kids I hung out with were wearing. So yes, here is my secret shame, now available for all the internet to know:

The first NHL shirt I picked out myself, I ASKED for, and wore proudly, was a Montreal Canadiens shirt.

Hooh, there, I feel better after getting that off my chest (I also wore it in my grade 2 class picture, but that photo seems to have gone missing)

Sadly, I wasn't just a bandwagoner.  I knew players names, i knew the teams weakness (not having Roy in net). I remember passionately explaining to my mom that the Habs "would be screwed" without Roy. I wanted a Roy poster for my room. I tried to argue how great they were, but I didn't really know enough about other teams to do so.  I started collecting hockey cards, I though The Hockey Sweater was true Canadian art. i would get up early to watch the cartoon of it when the CBC would start it's broadcast day (it rotated with Log Driver Waltz and The Cat Came Back).  It's a dark time in my life.

A couple years passed, I outgrew the shirt and moved on (I think it was around the time Patrick Roy moved on as well, so that may not be a coincidence).

Later, a friend of mine got NHL 90 something for the SNES and we decided to pick a team to play a full season as. We chose the Sharks because, hey, sharks are pretty cool. They played the Jaws theme on the organ and the goalie had a funny name. Artus Irbe.

This is me in my sharks fan period, my glasses are smaller now, but I'm still a dork.

So I got a sharks shirt and was a fan for maybe a season, probably until our time with the SNES ended. Then got into the Buffalo Sabres a bit because of their closeness and my first ever NHL game was Sabres VS Panthers, plus I was a teenager and had to be opposed to what everyone else liked. The Sabres were my rebellion.  I watched all of the '99 playoff run and experienced my first case of gut punching disappointment via a triple OT game won by a traitor.

I wasn't all that into hockey anyway, and it was always losing the interest war with the WWF. I then got a job at a take out pizza place in the evenings. The staff was usually me and 1 driver, and since I was using this job to escape and avoid spending anytime at home, I ended up working there full time after school. At work I got into reading the paper front to back (we offered customers the Star, the local paper and the Sun to read while waiting, so I was saturated with Leafs coverage. And this was in the early 2000's, when they made the playoffs and were an overall good team. So I read about the Leafs, we listened to every Leafs game on the radio at work and I started to watch when I was at home too. My mom wasn't much of a hockey fan by this point, but didn't complain when I put it on, and insisted on watching every Cup finals each year even if she hadn't watched a single game during the season. 2002 was probably the year it was solidified I was a hockey/Leafs fan. I watched/listened to every playoff game that year, we even brought a TV into work to pick up the CBC over the air feed.

During these playoffs my girlfriend was teasing me about all of a sudden liking hockey just because she did. I was looking forward to the conference final, since the Leafs has eliminated Ottawa (yet again) and I figured it'd be easy for the Habs to beat Carolina since Carolina was not a hockey market and the Habs had Doug Gilmour, who was a legend to the Leafs fans I grew up with. Easy as pie for Montreal I thought and I started to pre-gloat about the Leafs victory over the Habs in the ECF and the return to the Stanley Cup Finals after 35 years for the Leafs.

Then Carolina pretty much destroyed Montreal in games 5 & 6 like Dougie destroying the glass of the penalty box door, dashing my hopes of a Leafs/Habs ECF. (Which was probably a good thing since my future wife was moving away to go to McGill, and it would have been bad to say goodbye as a gloaty jackass).

Whatever, the Leafs can beat Carolina, we had Sundin, Mogilny, Roberts, McCabe, CuJo, and my favourite, Dimitry Yushkevich.

Then my old friend Arturs Irbe ruined it all.

My passion for the game and for the team didn't waiver, but increased the next winter when I lived on my own in Toronto as I went to school. I didn't know anyone in the city, hockey was there for me, it's all I had until Lady left school moved to Toronto and we shacked up.

It's not a magical tale, no awe inspiring moment, but it built up over time, wormed its way into my life, and now it's here to stay, and growing every year. I moved back to Niagara the same time the OHL's IceDogs moved from Mississauga and they've crept up to an even split with the Leafs for control of my fandom. I even put in 4-5 hours a week of work with the team two seasons ago , and I was there for what was a very successful season, and a run to the Championship.

So that's my long, rambling tale of how i became obsessed with the game of hockey, and afflicted with a love for theMaple Leafs. I'm passing the love of the game onto my kids. They have sweaters for the Leafs, Habs, Flyers, Sabres, Nordiques, Team Canada, and a sweet Mighty Ducks third (no not Wild Wing, sadly).  They're free to make their own choices, free to cheer for whatever team they want.  But so help them if it's the Senators.

Hopefully I got to him early enough.

Who really is "Canada's Team"?

Well that's it.  The Boston Bruins defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs 5-4 in overtime of game seven in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. It's disappointing but they over achieved based on expectations and performance vs Boston the past several seasons.  With Toronto, Montreal  and Vancouver eliminated in the first round, the Ottawa Senators are the sole Canadian team in the NHL playoffs and so begins my least favourite part of the playoffs (yes that includes the Leafs rarely being there): Someone being anointed "Canada's Team".

You see, the last time a team based in Canada won the Stanley Cup was 20 years ago.  Montreal Canadiens over the Los Angeles Kings in 1993. This is important to some people who don't understand the difference between international competition and the profit based major league sports.  And the CBC, but that's based on ad revenue.

A lot of Canadian hockey fans love to thump their chests about this being "our game" and have plenty to say about any foreigner on their team, especially Americans (ignoring that the 3 Americans on their team are some of the best players on said team).  So when a team, even if it's a clear majority of Canadians on the roster, from America wins the Stanley Cup, it's offensive.  Especially if that team is from a non-traditional market, heaven forbid more people be exposed to the game we love.  Sharing is for kindergarten, THIS IS SPORTS!

So, here we are. 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs round 2. Who's playing, and who really is "Canada's Team"?

Pittsburgh Penguins:

Captain - Sidney Crosby (CANADIAN!)

Alternates: Evgeni Malkin (LAZY RUSSIAN!), Brooks Orpik (AMERICAN! /spits on ground), Chris Kunitz (CANADIAN!)

Break Down - 17 CANADIANS, 7 Americans, 1 Czech, 1 Finn, 1 Russian, 1 Swede - 61% CANADIAN!

Boston Bruins:

Captain: Zdeno Chara (Slovakian - probably communist)

Alternates: Patrice Bergeron (CANADIAN!), Andrew Ference (CANADIAN!), Chris Kelly (CANADIAN!) - Obviously Boston knows how to be winners, they just made Chara Captain to placate him so he wouldn't grind their bones into bread.

Break Down - 17 CANADIANS, 2 Americans, 1 Slovakian giant, 1 Latvian, 2 Czechs, 1 Russian, 1 Finn, 1 German, 1 Swede  - 61% CANADIAN!

New York Rangers:

Captain: Ryan Callahan (of course the most American team would have an American as captain)

Alternates: Brad Richards (CANADIAN!), Marc Staal (CANADIAN!)

Break Down - 15 CANADIANS, 8 Americans, 3 Swedes, 1 Norwegian, 1 Czech - 54% CANADIAN!

Ottawa Senators

Captain: Daniel Alfredsson (clown haired chicken Swede)

Alternates: Jason Spezza (CANADIAN!), Chris Phillips (CANADIAN!)

Break Down - 16 CANADIANS!, 4 Americans, 5 Swedes, 1 Czech, 1 Dane, 1 Russian - 61% CANADIAN!

Chicago Blackhawks

Captain: Johnathan Toews (CANADIAN!)

Alternates: Patrick Sharp (CANADIAN!), Duncan Keith (CANADIAN!)

Break Down - 14 CANADIANS!, 5 Americans, 2 Czechs, 2 Slovakians, 5 Swedes - 50% CANADIAN!

Los Angeles Kings

Captain: Dustin Brown (American! They'll never win anything with a Yank captain)

Alternates: Anze Kopitar (Slovanian - I think they spelled Slovakia wrong on the roster), Matt Greene (American / spits on ground)  NO CANADIANS!  as leaders.  This team is going nowhere.

Break Down - 17 CANADIANS!, 8 Americans, 1 Russian, 1 Slovanian Slovakian - 61% CANADIAN!

San Jose Sharks

Captain: Joe Thornton (CANADIAN!)

Alternates: Dan Boyle (CANADIAN!), Patrick Marleau (CANADIAN!) - Man with 3 CANADIANS! as leaders these guys are groomed for success.

Break Down - 15 CANADIANS!, 10 Americans, 1 German, 1 Czech, 1 Finn - 54% CANADIAN!

Detroit Red Wings

Captain: Henrik Zetterberg (chicken Swede)

Alternates: Niklas Kronwall (chicken Swede), Pavel Datsyuk (Lazy Russian)

Break Down - 11 CANADIANS!, 5 Americans, 8 Swedes, 1 Swiss, 1 Finn, 1 Czech - 41% CANADIAN!

So we have a tie between Pittsburgh, Boston, Ottawa, and Los Angeles as the most Canadian team in terms of roster breakdown.  We'll give them all 10 points. 

PIT - 10

BOS - 10

OTT - 10

LA   - 10

1 point will be deducted for not being in Canada.

PIT - 9
BOS - 9
OTT - 10
LA   - 9

1 point will be deducted for any Alternate Captain who is not Canadian.


PIT - 7
BOS - 9
OTT - 10
LA   - 7

2 points will be deducted for not having a Canadian Captain

PIT - 7
BOS - 7
OTT - 8
LA   - 5

1 point is lost for non-Canadian ownership


PIT - 6.5
BOS - 6
OTT - 7 (the Bahamas aren't Canada, Mr. Melnyk)
LA   - 4

1 point is lost for not having a Canadian coach, they truly understand the game.

PIT - 5.5
BOS - 6
OTT - 7
LA   - 4

Finally, 1 point is lost for not having a Canadian starting goaltender (determined by # of regular season games played)


PIT - 5.5
BOS - 5
OTT - 6
LA   - 3

After doing some very in depth research I have concluded that I did not get the result i want and that yes, if you must cheer for someone as "Canada's Team" it's the Ottawa Senators, by only half a point.

God dammit I was hoping it'd be LA.

NHL & OHL Playoffs

The OHL Finals are the London Knights vs the Barrie Colts.  As has been my rule in the west, I've cheered for "Not London"  each and every time.  Barrie Colts share a division with my IceDogs & they Mitchell Theoret to Barrie at the deadline.  So I'm rooting for Barrie in a "Go Mitchell, boo London, Central division is the best" kinda way.

But mostly BOO LONDON.

On to the NHL playoffs which can be summed up in large font too:
 WOOOO LEAFS!!!!1

Also my predictions:

West:

1)Chicago vs 8) Minnesota
Chicago in 4, easy sweep for the Blackhawks, plus sucks to Hockey Wilderness

2)Anaheim vs 7)Detroit
Anaheim in 6, Red Wings will give their fans the slightest bit of hope then the Ducks will destroy that.  i welcome the return of the "Dead Things" era (sorry Granpa)

3)Vancouver vs 6) San Jose
I'm going off the board here and saying San Jose in 6.  Every year they're a big deal going into the playoffs and choke, so maybe in a season i forget about them they'll do well.  This is purely emotional.  Plus I want the Canucks to start Schnieder every game of the loss just so their media & fans can freak out over the summer.

4)St. Louis vs (5)Los Angeles
I'm giving it to the cup champs in 7.  I like both these teams but I don't like St. Louis goal tending   Their pair of Pietrangelo and Shattenkirk however is dreamy.

Eastern Conference

1)Pittsburgh vs 8)Islanders
I want to say Islanders in 7 but that's coming from the fan in me who also suffered through bad management and no playoffs. Pittsburgh in 6, I see lots of fight in the Isles plus MAF is still the goalie in in igloo.

2)Montreal vs 7)Ottawa
A lot of people are picking Ottawa but I don't get it.  Montreal in 6, which isn't that great since they get all 6 games as home games.

3)Washington vs 6)Rangers
Rangers in 7.  Ovi's got the scoring touch again but Lundqvist saves the Rangers bacon. Again.  Seriously guys whats the deal?

4)Boston vs 5)Toronto

Leafs in 7. Why? THE TIME FOR DELUSIONAL OPTIMISM IS NOW. GO LEAFS GO! WOOOOO PLAYOOFS!!1

Hardware

A few weeks ago I posted about missing my teams championship game.

This past Friday was the GHL Awards Banquet and, it made up for it.  My teams not very social apparently and I think only 1 other member was there aside from my wife and I.  The anticipation of the night was high since my wife and I were both nominated for awards; Best Defenseman and the GHL Spirit Award for me, Most Improved for Lady (who, despite being in her rookie year wasn't nominated for Rookie of the Year, I say she got "most improved" because no one realized she was a rookie).

Our coach gave us our individual championship trophies early in the evening before taking over as emcee for the night.  Videos and slideshows abounded, making ours the best beginners league ever. No, your arguments are wrong.

After some points awards they announced the Team MVP's, as voted by the players, and my team was so awesome I voted for another forward but everyone else made a different choice, and I was named our teams MVP. It was great of them to do so, I really didn't know how to feel about it, awesome was one, but amazed other thought so highly of me.  We were a great team together, and never let a loss get in our way or get us down. Easily the best team I've ever been a part of.

The GHL Spirit award went to someone else, but I'm not disappointed, i know others carry the spirit of the league better than I.

Then there's the big one.  Best Defenseman. nominated 3 years in a row.  Lost the previous 2. nominees are read. and the winner?

oh, the sweet taste of SUCK IT LOSERS

Yes! I am the greatest! Woooooooooooo!  Seriously though, voted by my peers, again, an awesome feeling.  Sadly, Lady did not win Most Improved, but did get a sweet Penguins Zamoni bank as a door prize.

Armloads of trophies

It was a great night, and I left knowing I'm in the best league ever & really felt the spirit of the League that night.  If you don't believe me you can see for yourself with the Top 10 Best Things about the GHL & below with the banquet opening video.  I'm the guy in the grey Rangers sweater with giant red pants.